Lying in bed thinking last night. I've come to the conclusion that that my faults are a curse as well as a blessing.If I hadn't been so hurt in my life, I wouldn't be so cautious.If I wasn't opinionated, people would run right over me. I used to think that I was so much different than other people and I'm finding that I'm no different than the average woman. I'm finding myself thinking differently, finding myself second guessing my responses and tones in what I say to people...that's it...I'm "finding myself". I re-did my resume and found out that I have done more things in my life than I'd thought and I'm not as selfish as what I'd believed. You know ya hear so many times you're a certain way and pretty soon you believe it too. For years I used to think I was this selfish, self-centered, vindictive, hateful person because my 'Egg Donor' would always tell me that and so would my younger sister. I'm not trying to start anything, and if anyone takes offense to what I say, well then FUCK them. I've come up with an idea to maybe start posting my life from the beginning from what I remember. My life has definitly had some interesting turns and twists and who knows, maybe someone reading this (since I have many, some I know and some are strangers who find my blog interesting I suppose)will know that they too are normal and to know they're not the only ones that have gone through some shit in their lives.Some of this stuff might make you cry and will be very honest and graphic, some people are deceased some are unfortunately still alive, I might skip around to other things first, but you'll hear my whole story, good and bad in hope people can understand me better and why I am the way I am. I know some of the things that I post are gonna infuriate my little sister, but she'll get over it and know that I'm not posting any of this to hurt people or make them mad, I just feel I need to do this. I won't apologize for any of it, becuase like I said..This Is My Life and I'm Finding Myself through all the horrible things ever said and done to me, I'm not looking for sympathy or for any one to feel sorry for me..I'm Just Finding Myself!!....
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I've been abondoned, abused, molested and ridiculed. That was just the first 6 years of my life!!!
Daddy used to tell me Mom had legs that never ended, and how beautiful she used to be. He saw a side of her that me and Dawn wished we'd seen!!Carol never really wanted me(as she's told me many times through out my life but when asked, she of course denies it). I used to be so jelous of Dawn growing up, 'cause Carol treated me like shit, and Dawn like gold! She read to Dawn as a child, but never me. She played with Dawn, and left me in my crib. I was her last attempt at holding on to a hopeless marriage that she helped destroy. I've never bonded with that woman and hopefully never will. She used to tell me the horror stories of my maternal grandmother and what she did and let be done to my mother, uncles, and aunts. She also used to say she would never do those type of things to her kids and she has. She's alienated at least 3 of her children. The other seems to think she was the first born, that there wasn't 2 other children before her. I'm not sure why Carol favors her, she's no better than the rest of us (no matter who she tries to lie to and convince). Some people say it could be because my mother sees her ex-husband in her and I'm not so sure that that is a good thing, especially considering what her father has done to me, dawn, her and Robert. My father is a saint compared to hers. I'm not trying to hurt either Crystal nor Robert. I know what their father did wasn't their fault, but it has forever changed my life and is partly the reason of my insecurities and anger.(I say partly, 'cause Carol is in no way innocent and definitly contributed to the other part).I take full responsibitly for my actions as an adult, but I was just a child.
~~~~~~~~
Grandma Spittler died in the early 80's, but I can still smell the smell of her (roses and oil-of-olay). I can still smell the kitchen with it's old white metal cabinets and rickety table. It smelled of coffee and sugar cookies.I was too young to remember too much of her, but I feel her presence wrapping around me in my hour of need.She was beautiful and one of those rare woman than come around once in a lifetime.She raised 6 children, 4 boys and 2 girls, with the youngest being born in 1942 and that would be my Dad. She was a wife, a mother, a homemaker and the sweetest woman alive!!Her life was lived for her children and regrettably she died when me and Dawn were so young.She raised her children well, and all have been successful in their lives.
Dad said Grandma and Grandpa Spittler bought their house out of a Sears catalog way back in the day. This house is still beautiful and standing and if I had the money to buy it back I would. Grandma put it in her will for the house to be sold when she died so no one would fight over it and so that not just 1 person was solely responsible for the taxes and upkeep.
The house was 2 bdrms downstairs and 2 upstairs with a full basement, a nice size living room and dining room, but a small kitchen. Grandma used to grow apples, grapes, peaches, pears and I think something else, but I can't quite remember. I have many fond memories of that house and wished it was still in the family so we'd have something that pulls us all together for the holidays.Growing up the family was so close, but after Grandma died, eventually everyone went their seperate ways. Uncle Phil and Aunt Clair live in Alabama, Uncle Donnie and Aunt Betty in Arizona, Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie way up in northern Michigan, several cousins in California, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Don passed away, Shelly and Jim (my cousins)in Rochester Hills, Paul and his wife in Sterling Heights, Aunt MaryAnn in Roseville, Denise in Florida, Emily in Ohio, Dawn in TN, me here and my Dad in Centerline.When we went to Detroit for Christmas, not everyone could be there, but I was able to talk to my Aunts and Uncles (except Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie who were at Shelly and Jim's and I guess couldn't get cell reception). I have a cousin in Cali. that has a Bentley and the whole shabang. I'm not bragging,rather I am so prous of my families success in life and hope that one day it rubs off on me, and to prove I come from a successful stock and not from the white- trash-drug-addicted-hateful- backstabbing-in/outta jail stock on my mother's side. Not one of them have made anything outta their lives!!I gotta give *my* Uncle Tim credit, he served his country proudly in the Marines, but he's an alcoholic and a wife beater. My step-Grandmother worked at Child Protective Services, but ate shit from my Grandfather for years including his physical and mental abuse and his "Women-Should-Be-Seen-And-Not-Heard" attitude and philosophy(and who stopped talking to me and Dawn in the early 90's because God forbid we had an opinion on who should be the next president).I used to idiolize my Aunt Terri, but she too has become 'one of them'.They're all big time into drugs, always in-outta jail and always arguing with one another. They all treat their children like shit and are always calling their kids 'Bitches' and/or 'Bastards'. One of my Aunts used to fuck the mayor of Detroit and that's how she got away with running her own brothel. They turn on each other, calling the cops on one another, have them thrown in jail, make up lies and spread them like wild fire. It's like their whole existance thrives on hate and discontent.Not one of them have a successful career or anything beyond shit jobs(I know I have no room to talk, but at least I ackowledge my faults and are making them my virtues, I'm no where in the same league as being as fucked up as that family is, seriously!!)
More in my next post. Thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~
~~~~~~~~
I've been abondoned, abused, molested and ridiculed. That was just the first 6 years of my life!!!
Daddy used to tell me Mom had legs that never ended, and how beautiful she used to be. He saw a side of her that me and Dawn wished we'd seen!!Carol never really wanted me(as she's told me many times through out my life but when asked, she of course denies it). I used to be so jelous of Dawn growing up, 'cause Carol treated me like shit, and Dawn like gold! She read to Dawn as a child, but never me. She played with Dawn, and left me in my crib. I was her last attempt at holding on to a hopeless marriage that she helped destroy. I've never bonded with that woman and hopefully never will. She used to tell me the horror stories of my maternal grandmother and what she did and let be done to my mother, uncles, and aunts. She also used to say she would never do those type of things to her kids and she has. She's alienated at least 3 of her children. The other seems to think she was the first born, that there wasn't 2 other children before her. I'm not sure why Carol favors her, she's no better than the rest of us (no matter who she tries to lie to and convince). Some people say it could be because my mother sees her ex-husband in her and I'm not so sure that that is a good thing, especially considering what her father has done to me, dawn, her and Robert. My father is a saint compared to hers. I'm not trying to hurt either Crystal nor Robert. I know what their father did wasn't their fault, but it has forever changed my life and is partly the reason of my insecurities and anger.(I say partly, 'cause Carol is in no way innocent and definitly contributed to the other part).I take full responsibitly for my actions as an adult, but I was just a child.
~~~~~~~~
Grandma Spittler died in the early 80's, but I can still smell the smell of her (roses and oil-of-olay). I can still smell the kitchen with it's old white metal cabinets and rickety table. It smelled of coffee and sugar cookies.I was too young to remember too much of her, but I feel her presence wrapping around me in my hour of need.She was beautiful and one of those rare woman than come around once in a lifetime.She raised 6 children, 4 boys and 2 girls, with the youngest being born in 1942 and that would be my Dad. She was a wife, a mother, a homemaker and the sweetest woman alive!!Her life was lived for her children and regrettably she died when me and Dawn were so young.She raised her children well, and all have been successful in their lives.
Dad said Grandma and Grandpa Spittler bought their house out of a Sears catalog way back in the day. This house is still beautiful and standing and if I had the money to buy it back I would. Grandma put it in her will for the house to be sold when she died so no one would fight over it and so that not just 1 person was solely responsible for the taxes and upkeep.
The house was 2 bdrms downstairs and 2 upstairs with a full basement, a nice size living room and dining room, but a small kitchen. Grandma used to grow apples, grapes, peaches, pears and I think something else, but I can't quite remember. I have many fond memories of that house and wished it was still in the family so we'd have something that pulls us all together for the holidays.Growing up the family was so close, but after Grandma died, eventually everyone went their seperate ways. Uncle Phil and Aunt Clair live in Alabama, Uncle Donnie and Aunt Betty in Arizona, Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie way up in northern Michigan, several cousins in California, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Don passed away, Shelly and Jim (my cousins)in Rochester Hills, Paul and his wife in Sterling Heights, Aunt MaryAnn in Roseville, Denise in Florida, Emily in Ohio, Dawn in TN, me here and my Dad in Centerline.When we went to Detroit for Christmas, not everyone could be there, but I was able to talk to my Aunts and Uncles (except Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie who were at Shelly and Jim's and I guess couldn't get cell reception). I have a cousin in Cali. that has a Bentley and the whole shabang. I'm not bragging,rather I am so prous of my families success in life and hope that one day it rubs off on me, and to prove I come from a successful stock and not from the white- trash-drug-addicted-hateful- backstabbing-in/outta jail stock on my mother's side. Not one of them have made anything outta their lives!!I gotta give *my* Uncle Tim credit, he served his country proudly in the Marines, but he's an alcoholic and a wife beater. My step-Grandmother worked at Child Protective Services, but ate shit from my Grandfather for years including his physical and mental abuse and his "Women-Should-Be-Seen-And-Not-Heard" attitude and philosophy(and who stopped talking to me and Dawn in the early 90's because God forbid we had an opinion on who should be the next president).I used to idiolize my Aunt Terri, but she too has become 'one of them'.They're all big time into drugs, always in-outta jail and always arguing with one another. They all treat their children like shit and are always calling their kids 'Bitches' and/or 'Bastards'. One of my Aunts used to fuck the mayor of Detroit and that's how she got away with running her own brothel. They turn on each other, calling the cops on one another, have them thrown in jail, make up lies and spread them like wild fire. It's like their whole existance thrives on hate and discontent.Not one of them have a successful career or anything beyond shit jobs(I know I have no room to talk, but at least I ackowledge my faults and are making them my virtues, I'm no where in the same league as being as fucked up as that family is, seriously!!)
More in my next post. Thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~
posted by bannibear @ Wednesday, January 24, 2007
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