Although I don't remember their names, the 1st foster home wasn't too bad. They had a child of their own (a teenager). My foster mother's sister also lived there and helped out with the children. There was only 1 room for all of us foster kids, but it was rather large, with 3 sets of bunkbeds and some dressers. Their daughter had her own room. She was blonde and was very nice to us kids! My foster father was an asshole. He was a police officer, but still an asshole none the less. I used to threaten to run away and he always used that fucking badge as a way to scare the hell outta me. I didn't stay long, but I remember them taking us to the park and playing frisbee. They made Chex Mix afterward, the first time I'd ever had this scrumptious treat (my obssesion with food started at an early age,,lol). I cried alot, I guess I still do. I mostly cried for my Dawny. I know I've said that before, but me and Dawn's bond is just un-explainable. Just know it's very strong, and it's not only a sister bond, but she was my 'mom' growing up and sacrificed herself for me and crystal, robert in a way that I couldn't even fathom, but am eternally grateful for and will spend the rest of my life showing her my gratitude.
I was removed from this foster home for several reasons, one they slapped me, 2-they refused to let me talk to family, often telling them I wasn't there or was busy. I guess I understand why they did it, but I caused a scene when they wouldn't let me talk to Dawn and I walked in on them telling her I wasn't there. That's when I got mouthy (imagine that..lol)and then they slapped me. The 3rd reason was I was able to go home.
It was a few days to a week before Christmas. I was so excited to pull up to that house. When I walked through the front door, Dawn practically knocked me down hugging me. She held me so tight around my neck, I felt like she was choking me..lol. I missed her soo bunches.
I had found out that Bobby was ordered by the judge to move and not come a certain feet from me. After awhile, Carol let him come by the house again. He used to think he was cool on his Harley, fucking smug prick!! Carol used to tell me to stay in the house when he came over, but she let the sick fuck take my other siblings for rides and stuff. Sometimes I view Carol as a Child Molester, because she kept giving him the opportunity. She shoulda divorced him the same day she caught him fondling her 6 year old., but she's just a worthless piece of shit just like her mother who let her friends rape carol and her siblings.
I had to change me story on Bobby numerous times due to Carol. She kept saying I was lying and that she couldn't love a liar (nice to tell your child, right?..fucking WHORE), so naturally I changed my story and said I had lied about him touching me, as I thought this would make Carol love me and be nice to me again. All I've ever wanted in my life, even now, was for 1 word from that woman on why she hates me so much and why she doesn't love me. What did *I* do to her for her to treat me this bad in my life? I'm sure she blames me for her and bobby's divorce years later(why not, she still blames Crystal for her and Rick-husband #7- divorce, even thought Crystal was sticking up for her when he beat the shit outta her..it's sad to say, but she prolly deserved it, fucking BITCH).
I finally went back to the TRUTH and told her Bobby did touch me, after that she hardly talked to me. If she did, it was hateful and rude.Once the Judge for word Bobby was still around, guess what? Once again I was put into foster care.
This home was fun and the lady was very nice, although at the time I hated the world and took it out on her. She had recently lost her son, and was still grieving. One day we got into an argument and she said she thought I was lying about being molested, so because I was so full of rage I told her that I didin't believe her son had died. I knew as soon as I said it, I was so wrong in doing so. She started to cry, eventually dissappearing into her sons room, later coming out with his death certificate as proof. I felt really bad and apologized, pointing out I*was* molested and I wouldn't have said what I'd had, if she didn't say what she did. We went to church every sunday, coming home to donuts and milk. We had a swing set in the backyard, there were 3 other kids there, 2 girls and a boy. I had such a hard time there, I even ran away to a friend's house but my foster mother found me. She had talked to my case worker, and I had a court date coming up, if I didn't get to go home, they were placing me elsewhere.
The day of the court date came. Carol was also there. I remember I couldn't go into the courtroom when they were talking to Carol, so I was asked to go sit on the bench just outside the courtroom doors. I was curious as to what was going on, and there was no one around, so I slightly opened the door so I could hear what was being said. What I heard still haunts me to this day. Carol was refusing to keep Bobby away from me, the Judge asked her to choose between her Husband and her Child and she chose Bobby!!! She was then advised that they were thinking of taking her other 3 kids away, so that's when she sent Dawn, Crystal,and Robert to live with a friend in Florida. She didn't care about me and she didn't even hesitate when the judge gave her the choice of me or him. This is where my hatred for her really started. I was her daughter, not just some shmuck off the street!! How could she do this to me? I've asked her that many times, and surprise,surprise she denies it, along with all the other bad stuff she's done to us kids that we'd confronted her about now that we're all adults. She still acts like she was the perfect mother. In my eyes, she isn't a mother, she never has been and never will be!! She should be court ordered to stay away from kids and animals for the rest of her worthless little life!!! I say animals, cause she just likes the idea of having an animal (no offense, but I think that's where Crystal gets it from). She used to drop off cats, kittens, dogs, and puppies down the road in Texas where there were nothing but woods. She would get me and Dawn a dog, then take it away 'cause she didn't want it anymore. She's gotten rid of her dog Savannah 'cause she didn't want her anymore, she killed her pet snake by letting it swim in fucking chlorine pool water, she ran over 1 dog and said it was an "accident", she gave me Alice that she had for almost 5 years because she didn't want her anymore she just wanted Sugar (alice's daughter), she 'gave away' Sugar's pups before they were ready to be weened (they were around 4 weeks old), she pawnd off her dogs on anyone who'll take them for awhile when she's tired of them being around, she gave Candy Cane away 'cause she didn't want her anymore, she doesn't give them there shots, doesn't worm them, and doesn't treat their fleas until they are so bad the dog gets sick and has to have their fur shaved. When we went to TN for our vacation, Sugar was still pregnant. They only had a little dog food left and she was asked to get more. Those dogs went almost 2 days before she bought them food, all the while with Sugar being pregnant. She mis-treated her iguana's and left the cage open on the deck, and out they went to explore the woods and come to their untimely death because she was so careless. This is why I say she shouldn't be allowed to ever have animals and I fell sorry for Sugar ( a miniature Sheltie) who is still in her possesion.
Anyways, I watched Carol leave the courthouse and not even care or bat an eyelash. I was so hurt. I was sreaming and crying. They had to take me to another room to calm down. I went to the window of the room, and it had a perfect view of the parking lot. I watched my 'mother' leave, which made me even more hurt. Even after all I'd heard and all she'd done, I still wanted to go home with her.After she left, me and my case worker left in her car. Not before opening the trunk and pulling out a Cabbage Patch Doll (hugely popular at the time)and giving it to me to help me feel better. I still have that damn doll..lmao!!! We went to the Child Protective Services office where we stayed most of the day until she could find a suitable place to put me. I guess no homes were available at the time, 'cause before I knew it we were pulling up to a place called Y.O.U. which stood for Youth Opportunties Unlimited. It was kind of like a shelter but better. It had 4 rooms, 5 bathrooms ( 1 in each room, and 1 in the attic). The 2 rooms in front were for the girls, the 2 in back for the boys. My favorite place was the attic. It was set up as a play room/livingroom. There was a pool table, table and chairs and a closet full of every game and puzzle you could imagine. This is also where we held Wed. church night, and our counseling sessions once a week. Once a year, they'd let the kids throw a party up there, inviting up to 5 people per person.I loved being there!! There was another small house on the propert where the Y.O.U. offices were. They took us everywhere, on walks, to the 'Y' to go swimming, to the zoo, the park, pic-nics, the whole sha-bang!! My school was just down the street, so I got to walk to school instead of being bused, which was awesome. It was my own private time to myself. We also had an arcade game there, a piano, a punching bag on the porch and plenty of yard space. There were 6 beds in my room and we each got to take turns listening to the radio at night. I used to be majorly into Country at the time, so I had to listen to it quietly, 'cause no-one else liked country..lol. They gave us Easter Baskets full of all kinds of stuff including nail polish and make-up, on Easter. We had a phone so we could talk to friends, and the staff was awesome. This place was a real treasure to me then. I don't know if it still exists today, but I hope so. I watched it help so many people and not just younger ones. There were people there that were 16,17. I will always treasure my memories of that place. Eventaully I had to leave. My case worker let me choose where I wanted to be. I went to this one group home that was nice, I had my own room, but I just had a bad feeling of it there. That's when they introduced me to Jim and Judy Holland. They were the group home's parents. The place was owned by Houston and called H.A.P. and stood for Houston Achievement Place. They had HUGE houses. Some were literally almost mansions!! I was placed in one just down the street from the Mayor of Houston. This house was BIG!! It had a sitting type living room, a big dining room, a t.v. room, a rec. room, a kitchen, 4 bedroom and 1 bath upstairs, and 2 rooms and 2 bathroom downstairs. One room downstairs was small and was used for our weekend 'den' mother so that the homes 'parents' had the weekend off. The other room was the homes 'parents'. The room was set up more as an apartment than anything. It had a bedroom and bathroom, a living area and another room off that, that was a kitchenette. They even had their own entrance via the deck in the back yard. We had a weekly 'outing budget' for activities on the weekend.Living with them was just like a dream come true. One summer we went on vacation for 2 weeks. 1 week we spent camping and the other was where I got to go to New Orleans. It was the best time I'd ever had up to that point in my life. New Orleans was magical, with break dancers, cafe's, little stores to explore everywhere, but the best was when we ate at a restaurant that actaully rotated very slowly. I was nervous, as this was obviously a high end restaurant which I had never experienced. The rotating room was a little much to get used to when you're young, and almost made me dizzy. I was experiencing something so wonderful and New Orleans will always have a special place in my heart. The people where amazing, almost mesmerizing, the feeling that city gives you cannot not be explained except to say it was an extraordinary place and summer!!
This is where Kathy Baird came in. She somehow found out where I was, and we set it up with HAP and CPS (child protective services) to go on weekend visits with them. Kathy was like a mother to me, helping me with my anger and tantrum issues, and giving me the love and support a real mother should!! After awhile, I got to go to her house for weekend overnighters which was fun!! They took me to many places even Fame City and Waterworld. They were both very active in my life. They wanted to adopt me and the only thing that stopped them, was my father, bless his heart!! Carol was ready to give me up just like that!! That's when they started to look at my Dad for a permanent home for me. It took them a long time to get him thouroughly checked out, and age 10, I was FINALLY back in my fathers arms!! To Be continued.....Thanks for reading!!!
Love,
~~~B~~~

I was 6 when me and Dawn had no choice but to go move to Texas, because Grandma died and Dad no-longer had a place for us to live. It killed my Dad inside to give his girls to a woman that is so evil. You have to understand that in a short amount of time, Dad lost his job, his car, his Mom, his home, and now his children. It was a very bleak period in his life and mine,too!! We arrived in Texas to a little red house on Pecan St. in Houston. I had to use the bathroom as soon as we got there and to my horror, there were cock roaches lying all over the bathroom floor. No, Mom wasn't dirty, she had the house sprayed for bugs while her and her new husband, Bobby Frankin Sarver, flew to Michigan to come get me and Dawn. Carol forced me to use the bathroom, even with the bugs all over the floor. A *real* mother would have used a damn broom and dustpan and swept that shit up, but she was laughing at me as I was hysterically crying. I didn't know any better as I'd never seen cock roaches before. Shit, I was 6 fucking years old for Christ's sake, but that's the kind of person and so called 'mother' she was and still is. Within a few days, things calmed down, or at least I thought, no one could have ever prepared me for what happened next. One night Dawn went somewhere for the night and it was just me, Carol, and Bobby. We were in their room, and it was a little chilly in the house so they had their bedroom heater on. It was built into the wall and had blue flames. I remember that well, as that's all I could look at when it happened. Carol went into the kitchen to make us sandwiches I think. I thought Bobby was just wrestling around with me until I eventually found myself being put underneath him while his huge adult body lay on top of my small child body. He started to kiss me and not in the way that is anywhere near appropiate with a child. Carol came back and didn't think anything of it. She just thought we were wrestling around, as she didn't see him kissing me 'that way'. Bobby got up, him and Carol continued to play Atari. I was so confused and felt so violated. I didn't know what to do. That was the first time of many. I don't recall everytime, I suppose I have blocked most of it outta my mind, for my sanity.
The next time I remember, was a saturday. Carol was working and left Bobby home to watch us. The way the house was set-up, there was the living room, a den off of that, and then there was the kitchen/dining room. Well the kitchen had a doorway to left and right of the living room. So there was 2 ways to get to the kitchen from the living room. Dawn was eating cereal and watching cartoons. Bobby called me into the kitchen, where he proceeded to pick me up. He raised and lowered me up and down the front of his body, all the while having an erect penis. It was so quitely done, Dawn never heard a word. I remember closing my eyes, hoping he would be done soon and I could be with my Dawny. It happened 2 more time in that house that I can remember, with the last one being caught by Carol. But, that wasn't the last time it happened, just the last in that house!! The next time was a little more graphic. It was just me and Bobby home alone. He asked me to come into his and carol's room. He then asked me to lay on the bed and he put a pillow over my face. He said he couldn't do what he wanted if I was looking at him. He then proceeded to take my panties off, and as I lay there, scared, waiting for someone to come home and save me, he proceeded to perform oral sex on me!! After he was done, he told me to never tell, because if I did, bad things would happen to my mother and Dawn! I know this is hard to read, especially for my little sister, but it's inportant for me to get this out. This blog is my therapy!!
The landlord of the house lived just next door, and much to my horror again, he too was a child molester. One night Carol left me and Dawn home alone while her and Bobby went to the bar. Yes, this stupid Bitch left a 6 and 8 year old home alone!! Me and Dawn climbed into Carol's bed. Dawn read and I kept hearing noises from the window behind us. I sneeked a peek and it was the landlord trying to tear the screen off and open the window to get to me and Dawn. Frightened to no end, I called the bar and told my mom. She came home and the landlord must've heard the truck, because he was gone before they hit the driveway (the house was on the end of the street and the street being connected to a major street). The landlord always 'flirted' with me and Dawn, the sick Bastard!!
The last time Bobby touched me in that house was again on a saturday morning. Dawn was still asleep I think. Carol was also still in bed. I woke up and went into the living room. Bobby was up, and in his chair. We had this wooden door with no handle that was for the hallway that connected to the bedrooms and bathroom. Bobby asked me to come stand in front of him, he started to kiss me, then eventually started to fondle my vaginal area. Carol came in and she must've looked through the hole where the handle on the door should've been before entering, because the next thing I know, she's in the living room with a shot gun to Bobby's head. I'm crying and now so is Dawn. She claims the only thing that stopped her from blowing his brains out was the fact that me and Dawn were standing so close to him. She said she didn't want me and Dawn to have to remember someone being shot in front of us for the rest of our lives. One of the few times the evil wench was actually human!!
So a normal mother would've packed her children and their shit and got the hell outta there, right? Not my mother!! All she made that mother fucker do was apologize to me and say he would never do it again!! What kind of sick Bitch does that? I was 6 damn years old, there should've been no question!!
Bobby didn't touch me again till a awhile later when we moved to Baytown,Texas. Carol took Dawn and toddler Crystal to the store to get a birthday present for one of our then cousins. Yes, the sick BITCH left me home alone with the same man who had previously violated me over and over!! He conned me into his and my mother's room, where again he started to fondle me and kiss me. I reminded him of the promise he made to me and my mother, but he kept going. He stopped just shy of getting caught by Carol again. I was too scared to say anything, as he was threatening me again. After awhile, we moved again. We finally settled into a house that we stayed at for awhile. Next door where awesome people. I don't remember the husband's name, but the wife was a sweet woman who would later try to adopt me. Her name was Kathy Baird. They were a younger couple with a son around my age. I played over there alot. I loved their house and loved the way it always smelled like cinnamon and apples. The husband played drums and they had the first t.v. I had seen with the wired remotes(before modern wireless remotes). Kathy was into Marilyn Monroe and he was into Star Wars and had the whole E-Wok village to play with in their room, it was freakin' awesome!! These people stuck with me long after Carol packed up Dawn, Robert and Crystal and moved to Florida, leaving me all alone in a state with no family.I'll get back to them later.
In this new house, it was close enough to ride my bike to school, which I really enjoyed. Me and Dawn riding down the street every morning to school, it was something that was just so cool at the time. Sometimes I walked to/from instead of riding my bike, that is when I made friends and they didn't have bikes to ride so I walked with them,too!! I was a very outgoing child, and easily made friends and had many, unlike today where I am so guarded that you practically have to jump through hoops to get me to let you into my heart!
I loved school, I loved my teacher and on this particular day, we had an assembly. Ironically, like it was a gift from God, the assembly was about people inappropiately touching you. After the end, the teacher asked just 1 simple question, "Had any of us been touched in that way?", I was the only child to raise their hand. I was asked to stay behind and was questioned. After, I was sent back to class. I was in the middle of doing one of my 'ditto' worksheets left for the substitute to give to us, when the door opened and this person started to whisper with the sub. and they were looking at me. I was then asked to go to the office with them where a school social worker was asking me questions. I went home that night and never said a word about what happened, but i guess they had called home and questioned Carol, because the next thing I know, she was telling me I didn't have to answer any of their questions anymore. The next day I went to school, and again was pulled outta class. I went to a couselors office where they were asking me questions. Well, even then I was a cocky bitch,lol, as I told them in a cocky tone and voice that "My Mom said I didn't have to answer *any* of their damn questions". They kept wanting me to go with this one social worker, but I had a bad feeling, so I ran outta there, wandering the halls. Eventally I had convinced myself to go to the office. There they had convinced me to go with this case worker. She said I'd be able to go back home, and I believed her. After awhile I realized, sitting there in the Child Protective Services office, I wasn't going home that day. I was mad and crying, but she took me to McDonald's for a Happy Meal (which at the time, was hugely popular) I calmed down for awhile, but then started crying even harder as we drove for awhile and approached a house, little to my knowledge, was my 1st foster home!! All I could think about was Dawn and how much I missed her and wanted her with me. ........to be continued tomorrow....thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~

Lying in bed thinking last night. I've come to the conclusion that that my faults are a curse as well as a blessing.If I hadn't been so hurt in my life, I wouldn't be so cautious.If I wasn't opinionated, people would run right over me. I used to think that I was so much different than other people and I'm finding that I'm no different than the average woman. I'm finding myself thinking differently, finding myself second guessing my responses and tones in what I say to people...that's it...I'm "finding myself". I re-did my resume and found out that I have done more things in my life than I'd thought and I'm not as selfish as what I'd believed. You know ya hear so many times you're a certain way and pretty soon you believe it too. For years I used to think I was this selfish, self-centered, vindictive, hateful person because my 'Egg Donor' would always tell me that and so would my younger sister. I'm not trying to start anything, and if anyone takes offense to what I say, well then FUCK them. I've come up with an idea to maybe start posting my life from the beginning from what I remember. My life has definitly had some interesting turns and twists and who knows, maybe someone reading this (since I have many, some I know and some are strangers who find my blog interesting I suppose)will know that they too are normal and to know they're not the only ones that have gone through some shit in their lives.Some of this stuff might make you cry and will be very honest and graphic, some people are deceased some are unfortunately still alive, I might skip around to other things first, but you'll hear my whole story, good and bad in hope people can understand me better and why I am the way I am. I know some of the things that I post are gonna infuriate my little sister, but she'll get over it and know that I'm not posting any of this to hurt people or make them mad, I just feel I need to do this. I won't apologize for any of it, becuase like I said..This Is My Life and I'm Finding Myself through all the horrible things ever said and done to me, I'm not looking for sympathy or for any one to feel sorry for me..I'm Just Finding Myself!!....
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I've been abondoned, abused, molested and ridiculed. That was just the first 6 years of my life!!!
Daddy used to tell me Mom had legs that never ended, and how beautiful she used to be. He saw a side of her that me and Dawn wished we'd seen!!Carol never really wanted me(as she's told me many times through out my life but when asked, she of course denies it). I used to be so jelous of Dawn growing up, 'cause Carol treated me like shit, and Dawn like gold! She read to Dawn as a child, but never me. She played with Dawn, and left me in my crib. I was her last attempt at holding on to a hopeless marriage that she helped destroy. I've never bonded with that woman and hopefully never will. She used to tell me the horror stories of my maternal grandmother and what she did and let be done to my mother, uncles, and aunts. She also used to say she would never do those type of things to her kids and she has. She's alienated at least 3 of her children. The other seems to think she was the first born, that there wasn't 2 other children before her. I'm not sure why Carol favors her, she's no better than the rest of us (no matter who she tries to lie to and convince). Some people say it could be because my mother sees her ex-husband in her and I'm not so sure that that is a good thing, especially considering what her father has done to me, dawn, her and Robert. My father is a saint compared to hers. I'm not trying to hurt either Crystal nor Robert. I know what their father did wasn't their fault, but it has forever changed my life and is partly the reason of my insecurities and anger.(I say partly, 'cause Carol is in no way innocent and definitly contributed to the other part).I take full responsibitly for my actions as an adult, but I was just a child.
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Grandma Spittler died in the early 80's, but I can still smell the smell of her (roses and oil-of-olay). I can still smell the kitchen with it's old white metal cabinets and rickety table. It smelled of coffee and sugar cookies.I was too young to remember too much of her, but I feel her presence wrapping around me in my hour of need.She was beautiful and one of those rare woman than come around once in a lifetime.She raised 6 children, 4 boys and 2 girls, with the youngest being born in 1942 and that would be my Dad. She was a wife, a mother, a homemaker and the sweetest woman alive!!Her life was lived for her children and regrettably she died when me and Dawn were so young.She raised her children well, and all have been successful in their lives.
Dad said Grandma and Grandpa Spittler bought their house out of a Sears catalog way back in the day. This house is still beautiful and standing and if I had the money to buy it back I would. Grandma put it in her will for the house to be sold when she died so no one would fight over it and so that not just 1 person was solely responsible for the taxes and upkeep.
The house was 2 bdrms downstairs and 2 upstairs with a full basement, a nice size living room and dining room, but a small kitchen. Grandma used to grow apples, grapes, peaches, pears and I think something else, but I can't quite remember. I have many fond memories of that house and wished it was still in the family so we'd have something that pulls us all together for the holidays.Growing up the family was so close, but after Grandma died, eventually everyone went their seperate ways. Uncle Phil and Aunt Clair live in Alabama, Uncle Donnie and Aunt Betty in Arizona, Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie way up in northern Michigan, several cousins in California, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Don passed away, Shelly and Jim (my cousins)in Rochester Hills, Paul and his wife in Sterling Heights, Aunt MaryAnn in Roseville, Denise in Florida, Emily in Ohio, Dawn in TN, me here and my Dad in Centerline.When we went to Detroit for Christmas, not everyone could be there, but I was able to talk to my Aunts and Uncles (except Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie who were at Shelly and Jim's and I guess couldn't get cell reception). I have a cousin in Cali. that has a Bentley and the whole shabang. I'm not bragging,rather I am so prous of my families success in life and hope that one day it rubs off on me, and to prove I come from a successful stock and not from the white- trash-drug-addicted-hateful- backstabbing-in/outta jail stock on my mother's side. Not one of them have made anything outta their lives!!I gotta give *my* Uncle Tim credit, he served his country proudly in the Marines, but he's an alcoholic and a wife beater. My step-Grandmother worked at Child Protective Services, but ate shit from my Grandfather for years including his physical and mental abuse and his "Women-Should-Be-Seen-And-Not-Heard" attitude and philosophy(and who stopped talking to me and Dawn in the early 90's because God forbid we had an opinion on who should be the next president).I used to idiolize my Aunt Terri, but she too has become 'one of them'.They're all big time into drugs, always in-outta jail and always arguing with one another. They all treat their children like shit and are always calling their kids 'Bitches' and/or 'Bastards'. One of my Aunts used to fuck the mayor of Detroit and that's how she got away with running her own brothel. They turn on each other, calling the cops on one another, have them thrown in jail, make up lies and spread them like wild fire. It's like their whole existance thrives on hate and discontent.Not one of them have a successful career or anything beyond shit jobs(I know I have no room to talk, but at least I ackowledge my faults and are making them my virtues, I'm no where in the same league as being as fucked up as that family is, seriously!!)
More in my next post. Thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~