This is where we were last weekend. That's not even a portion of this huge "S" shaped lake. It's called Williams Lake I think, in Waterford, Michigan. It was absolutely gorgeous, where houses sell for no LESS than $ 300k. I was right on the edge of the shore and my cousin Eddie's property. Just a tad to the left was the biggest fireworks display I'd ever seen!! WAYYYYY better than Paris Landing. I was told they (the lake community) spent $15,000 on the fireworks display!! WOW!! I took video of it, but ran out of battery power several minutes before the finale :(

We had a fantastic time and are going back next year and staying 2 more days. We decided to camp at my cousins and enjoy the 'parade of boat lights' they have on Friday and hit all the good parties!! YAY!! Eddie said they hoped on the pontoon boat and basically went all around the lake to different houses and partied. There was bands playing, solo guitar sessions and the whole shabang, so I told Eric we were so coming for that next year.

We stayed at my Aunt Maryann's. She has 2 spare bedrooms, but she turned one into what she calls the "Picture Room". It has 2 chairs, an end table and the whole room is covered in old photos. It's beautiful and I was so glad to see me in there with my old toothpick legs I had when I as a kid. The other spare room was down in the basement. It had been totally re-done by my Uncle Joe who died a several years ago. She just bought a new bedroom set from 'Art Van' furniture late last fall and me/Eric were the only ones beside my other cousin Denise to sleep in that bed. She had 2 throw rugs that were sooo soft and fuzzy, one on each side of the bed. It was a beautiful sleigh bed and matching nightstands, dressers. I wished I woulda took pics of that room, I just loved it and how it connected to the half bath from 2 differ sides!!

Anyways, we arrived early afternoon and literally unpacked the car and headed straight over to Eddie's. I wanted to take my Aunt's dog with us, but she didn't want to chain her up the whole day. She's a cute black w/ white markings Japanese Chin, very playful (almost as much as Alice--lol). We got there and went straight out on the pontoon for our 30-45 minute boat ride round trip around the lake. It makes me wanna have a boat (it might take a few years, but I'm working on that idea..lol). Some of these houses were just to die for, several of them were historic. After that we just chilled, talked and had a great time!! I seen my cousin Michael who was diagnosed with cancer as I've previously written. He looked pale and in pretty bad shape, but he's hangin' in there. He started chemo this week, I pray it helps!!

I'm down to a size 18 now..YAY BANNI!! I've still been wearing the 22's to work in, but discovered I was down to 18 when we went clothes shopping for the trip. Meijer had jeans on sale for 20 bucks and when I tried the 22's on, they were loose and big in the legs, so I got a pair of 20's and 18's to try. The 20's were obviously too big as well, and when I slid those 18's on, I was ecstatic to say the least!!I'm almost to the 200 mark. If I lose another 10 ibs. I'll be UNDER 200, where I haven't been since early on in my relationship. I am so proud of myself. I'm getting toner,too and my little pudge of a chin is slimming down, making my face look so much more beautiful (I can't help it, I'm a sexy bitch..roflmao)

I ended up wearing tan jeans and my pretty white top I wore at Easter along with some really cute white sandals I bought at Payless (where they also had an awesome purse on sale, they had several and I wanted the one that looked like a Berkin, but it was red and didn't match so I chose the black one ..lol).

My toes were painted a pretty pink, and I had given myself a pedicure before we left, so my feet were lookin' good!

Eric wore a nice pair of tan/khaki type shorts and a teal colored t-shirt but changed into his white t-shirt that has gnomes on it and it reads "Hangin' with my Gnomies"for the party.

We had New York Strip steaks for dinner along with corn-on-the-cob,potato salad (though not as good as Grandma Perkin's --lol)cheesy potato's, veggie tray's, chips, dip, and little snacky type foods. We got there around 1 or 2 in the afternoon and finally got back to Aunt Maryann's around 1 a.m. I think. My aunt drove my car to Eddies and back and maybe I'm just too picky, but boy I was freakin' at her riding my brakes, sometimes a little too hard. She had insurance that covered her as ours ony covers me and Eric. We were gonna ride in the PT Cruiser, but she don't like to drive it at night, so we took my car. She loved how it handled and kept telling me how nice it was.

Sunday, me and Eric escaped on our own to check out some sites and get a slice of pizza. I forgot how much I missed my old highschool..Cousino High Rocks BABY!! I had a chance to catch my Aunt up on other aspects of my life (my Mom, my other siblings/relatives..etc)which was nice, a good bonding moment. I missed that with her! Anywoo, when we got back into town Sunday evening, we went and picked up my Mom from the truck stop where she'd parked and we hung out for several hours. Dad and her drank beer together and reminisced of times past and dabbled into what went wrong in their marriage. It was nice to sit there with my parents and not one of us be arguing! My loved how much weight I'd lost and told me how great I looked. She was also impressed at how the house looks since she'd seen it last,especially Dad's room. She also loved my car. I invited her again for Christmas, but since mozzy has a place and Robert moves in with her in Nov. she'll prolly split her time between the 2 houses. Dawn,like I said b 4 , is comin' and staying here with me, so Mom will have to stay with mozzy, as I have no more room 'cause Dawny will be sleeping on the sofa bed in the living room, I can't wait!!

Anyways, needless to say last weekend was AWESOME!! This weekend, we're taking Dad and 'Uncle Dad' to the Firefighters ribs/blues fest, which should be cool! Next weekend we're going to the Cove to see the SB Silverhawks as it's Timken Night (where Eric works) and they have an upper box section I guess it's called and the beer, food, and pop is on them along with admission, but's it's just for the Timken employees and their families. We're taking Dad, so it should be a blast. Then the weekend after that is Mom and Dad's anniversary party, YAY!! Mom asked me to make my "Cucumber/Tomato Stuff" as it's now called..lol. It's just cut up Cucumbers and Tomato's marintaed in a shit load of Italian Dressing (very fattening, but I don't care-I'll swim it off..lmao).

Well, I guessed I've rambled enough for today! Thanks for reading!

Love,

~~~B~~~

This post is for my "Lucki Dog". You see, for thoses of you who don't know, I had to put him to sleep yesterday.God, that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through in my life!!!

Dr.Gruber confirmed what the vet in Walkerton suspected, that he had Cancer. His right shoulder was just huge. He was in pain, we gave him Aleve's all week and that helped a bit but he still just laid there and slept about 90% of the time. You had to nudge him to get up and go outside, and then you had to keep coaxing him just to get to the back door from our room. When let outside all he did was stand there and bark. He looked like he was going blind and maybe letting him outside scared him, like he felt alone or something. Eventually he would hobble around and find a place to 'do his business'. He also couldn't stand without his legs wobbling and alot of times he would fall. He kept losing weight, which we thought we could fix by giving him 4 cups of dry food and 1-2 cans of wet food along with treats and leftovers, but I guess to no avail! I don't mean to sound selfish, but I want him back!!! The vet had the wrong age for him, as they had he was 14 and Eric and I didn't get him till Easter of '95.

Mindy and Mom came with us and I do believe they took it just as hard as Eric and I did. Thank you guys so much for coming, I'm not sure I could've made it without them,especially Mindy. I LOVE YOU MINNY!!

I also broke down and called my Mom. I know what everyone is going to say, but my mom loved that dog. She knew him from oct.of '95 all the way up till last sept.

He was her favorite, and I just felt the VERY strong need for my Mom, even after all she's ever put me thru. Hell, yesterday morning I went to Wal-mart for some new plastic bowls and seen Crystal. I know she seen me and God I just wanted to hug her and tell her 'bout Lucki. Something juts stopped me from doing it, so instead I left a note on her car telling her that we were putting him to sleep. I'm still not going to be "buddy/buddy" with my mom, but as my Dad keeps telling me, "She is your mother".

Things aren't the same around here without Lucki! Eric buried him next to Hailie on the side of the house and wrapped him up in his favorite blanket which was Eric's old Notre Dame blanket. I try to not feel so sad, but he was my first Easter present from Eric and has been throu some very tough times with us, hell we almost lost him 5-6 years ago when he had Hookworms and Whipworms. We didn't know it, and the worms where so bad, they were shutting his kidneys down. We dropped close to a grand that year to save him, and I would've given all the money I have now, and all the things I own, just to have saved him yesterday!! There will NEVER be another Lucki dog, he was more than just a dog to me/us he ws one of the family, like a child. But as Mindy told me, He's up in Rainbow Bridge running around with Hailie, She-Ra, & Daisy, gettin' all the "fee-fee" he wants, and running on all four legs!! So this post is for him, may he come see me every now and then in my dreams and I can't wait to get to heaven to see him again!! Lucki I Love You and Miss You Very Much!! You'll Allways Be in My Heart and Thoughts..love Mommy!!

Love,

~~~B~~~

Another week, another Friday..YAY!! Dawny left after I got off work on Tues. It was hard for me to see her go, but the best part is that she's coming back in a few months for a family event!! Last weekend was great!! Sunday Me, Dad, Eric, and Dawny all went to the zoo. We seen the monkey and that damn Lion that won't roar when I'm around!! LOL!! Daddy bought us all popcorn that came in a cool bucket. Then we all went to the botannical garden I guess it's called. That was pretty interesting. It was a nice day spent with family. Dad loves the monkeys, it was nice to see him have that much fun.
~~~~~~~
This weekend is supposed to be a nice sunny weekend with highs in the upper 70's on Sunday.
I got my blazer fixed and plated yesterday. I cleaned it all out complete with carpet fresh and vacumming. I can't wait to start buying mats and car seat covers. Eric already won me a really cute bear that happens to match the blazer..lol..
Eric's putting in my new speakers this weekend, next is to upgrade from a crap ass old tape deck to an awesome CD player.
We're having an Easter Egg Hunt this weekend. I know it's kinda late, but Aunt Nita thought it would be nice to have the kids look for eggs when it's nice out!! Then We gotta clean the backyard and work on the front. We'll have our cabinets late next month, early June along flooring and a new sink. The house just looks so much better than it did even a month ago, I can't wait for my flowers/plants to grow in the front and to eat Eric gazillion-never-ending-supply of scrumption tomatoes. Dawny bought me some stuff to plant (lilac bushes-several of them) in the yard and around the house!!
Anyways, me, dad and eric are all going shopping and going out to lunch, so bye for now and thanks for reading!!

I lived with my Dad in a trailer with his friend,George. We took the back bedroom. It was hard for me, as my Dad has a driver's license but no car. So we had to walk everywhere. That was fine in the summertime, but was hell in the winter. You go to that area now,(like i did in Dec.)and there's all kinds of stores and restaurants. There was only a K-mart, a Church's chicken, and the race track to the left of the trailer park, to the right was Elias Brothers 'Big Boy's (same as the old "Azar's" here in SB). I liked living in that trailer. There were many kids to play with there and a park at the back of the trailer park. George, the roommate, was a pervert. He,as I later found out, had a peep hole to the bathroom(his room was right next to the bathroom)and always used to watch me AND my Dad bath/shower. He touched me several times, before I told my Dad. That's when we moved to Manor House Apartments on Van Dyke in Warren,Mi. It was a 2 bedroom. It wasn't fancy, but it *was* about a 10 minutes walk to my Grandma Spittler's house and the same to my Aunt Peggy's house, so it was worth it to me. It was also on the boderline of Centerline and the townhouses,which me and Dawn where familiar with growing up in that area when we were younger! I had lots of stores and restaurants to go to, so I was happy. I was even happier when on my first day of school, I had the pleasure of befriending Michelle Zoltek. It was raining, but we were running and walking in it anyway. I was a little cold, as I was still skinny then and wearing a blue mini skirt set. We bonded instantly. At first Dad thought she was a bad influence, I later begged him to give her a chance. He did, and still loves her to this day!! I was doing wonderful until I got into the 6th grade. I stayed home "sick" all the time, didn't do my homework, argued with teachers and was ALWAYS in trouble. I still to this day don't know how I passed, maybe they hated me so much that they couldn't fathom another year with me so they just passed me..LMAO... I was soo bad!! I started hanging out with older people who did drugs. I was even madder when Michelle failed the 6th grade, 'cause I had to face Cousino Senior High School with out my best friend.
Almost as soon as we moved to Manor House, I was introduced to an older man downstairs from us. He worked for the Tech Center across the street doing something with computers and making a shit load of money. His kids were all grown up, so he likes to spoil the kids in the apartment. Dad thought it was inapropiate, and I suppose he was right. This guy's name was Ron. He wasn't a pervert, rather a very nice man who listened to my problems ad bought me stuff. I suppose I took advantage of that. Ron bought me my Nintendo, tapes(cd's weren't around yet,rather they were but very few people bought them, they had just came out and hadn't caught on yet)buttons, magazines, my New Kids stuff(not all of, Dad bought some), gave me my first stereo system, bought us pizza, made us his famous spaghetti sauce(It was soo good, that we just ate the damn sauce, we said fuck the noodles..lmao) Ron used to let us use his phone to make long distance calls(Dad didn't like us to run his bill up, so we used Ron's..)People used to think he was a child molester 'cause of how friendly he was to us kids. He wasn't and isn't. Just a real nice man wanting to help kids out. Of course he was drunk alot and I think he snorted coke, 'cause his nose used to run w/blood at times. He was in the vietnam war, and used to have alot of nightmares. He also used to live in Cali., and even went to school with Ritchie Valens. He watched LaBamba over and over, and cried so hard for his friend. I felt bad. He admiited that he has killed lots of people in 'nam, and used to cry and say he was sorry, and that he didn't mean it. What a horrible thing a person has to go thru when they go to war. :(
Sometimes he got really drunk, and I would end up pissing him off, and the only person who could calm him down was Dawny. It was funny to us. Later, when Dad got laid off and we had no place to go, Ron had moved to Watertown,NY. I had his nuber. We didn't have any money and no place to go. All I had to do was ask, and I did. Ron had Western Unioned me and Dad $500 to help us out. I think that's when Dad saw Ron in a different way. You see, it wasn't just kids he helped out, he helped out EVERYBODY who could that needed help!! He now lives in Louisiana with his family. I spoke to him a few years ago, but lost touch!!
Anyways, back to my story...
I was hanging out with people in the apartments that were older and not a good influence. I was really attached to this one woman and her sister. They were both strippers and the sister was dating a hot black guy(I would later date the brother of this hot black guy. his name was Gordy, we broke up because I refused to fuck him)
I also had a crush on the guy next door to us named,Mitch. He was a rocker-beer-drinking type as I liked long haired guys at the time(I guess I still have a weakness for it,as I seen an 80's video on vh1 recently and damn near got aroused at seeing Sabastian Bach's hair..lmfao). Anyways, I was a hot bitch then, I ain't gonna lie. I had killer tanned legs and big breasts with blonde hair, need I say more? LOL I had dated alot of guys, but one thing my Dad had told me when I started to "develop" was that I was gonna find guys looking more at my breasts than my eyes and that all men just wanted one thing: To get into my pants!! So I dated alot, but very few people I actually had sex with. To be honest, my husband Eric is number 6, if that tells you how little I was "giving it up"and I'll be 30 in 2 months.. lol, I was very smart in that aspect!! Me and Dawn dated a pair of friends and realized that my guy liked Dawn and her's liked me, so we swapped!! Their names were James and Allen!! I had also fooled around with a hot guy named Mark, who I later found out was my Aunt Tammy's Best Friends man. OOPPSSS!! lol!! This bitch chased me around the top part of the apartments, trying to kick my ass. She found out 'cause I thought I was pregnant so Mark had to tell her, as they had a young son together. I snuck out my window all the time to go see guys or to go out to Taco Bell w/Michelle. I told you I was a very bad teenage daughter!!
I got caught up with a guy named David Brockwell when I was 13 or 14. He was in his early 20's and I was introduced to him through the room-mate of a tenant there in the apartments. I was walking to the laundry room one day, and this room-mate told me his friend seen me the day prior and wanted to go out with me. I was excited, 'cause I was interested in him,too. I was a little nervous, as I knew he had been seeing a prostitute or dancer, not sure which before me.She wanted to kick my ass, too as she apparently was still dating him when I hooked up with him. By this time I was drinking pretty heavy and doing a few drugs here and there. Me and Dad were always fighting, as he didn't like seeing me dating these older guys!! Dave was my first love. His friend Chris and I later hooked up after we broke up. I remember running away with Dave, Chris, Nick and their girlfriends. We got into an accident and there I was in a hospital in Detroit. I couldn't call home 'cause Dad at that point had changed the number and wouldn't give it to me. His attempt at trying to avoid Dave calling the house anymore.The hospital found Dad and he had to ask Aunt Terri to come get him and then get me. I was so scared. I wasn't hurt, but I suppose I shoulda acted like it, I found out around 6 mo. later from Nick that they sued the driver and got alot of money from it. bastards..lol!!!
Me and Dave still were dating, I lied to Dad to go see him, and was always asking for rides from people as he lived off of 18 mile rd. and I was closer to 9-10 mile. I used peoples phones to call him as Dad monitered my calls at that point. I always found a way to go see him, but getting home was another story. I remember going to the gas station down the street bumming rides off of strangers or going around to the neighborhood knocking on door and saying I was with friends who were drinking and driving, I got out and then needed a ride. One time, I ended up getting a ride from a police office in Sterling Heights, I was scared to death as I kniew my cousin Paul worked there and was sure he'd find out. He didn't!! Dave was very sweet. He was always telling me how gorgeous I was. We didn't "sleep" together very often, only a few times that I could remember.He was very jelous,though. He hated when guys came up to me, or finding out that I had even gave a guy a little attention. I was still dating Dave when I met Eric. I miss him, but who doesn't miss their first love? He got arrested when I was around 15.He wrote me alot when he was in jail. One time, I was getting ready to break up with him, he sent me a long letter with the lyric's to Bon Jovi's "I'll Be There For You". I cried so hard. He was a tall man,very lean and he had an ass a woman could die for. He had long brown hair, brown eyes. He could sing and loved writing songs and poetry. He used to wear the pants called "Z. Cavaricci's" a deigner brand that I and all the kids in school were wearing. These pants pulled at all the right places. They looked like the pants Slater from Saved by the Bell wore all the time. They were HOT!!
I was definitly a wild child. I used to want to get pregnant. My Aunt Kathy took me to Planned Parenthood and I was so pissed I wasn't pregnant. I always told my Dad I hated him. He tried to do all he could for me. but as a single father raising a daughter, it was hard on him.I hated school, because I was gaining a little weight ('bout 15-20 ibs)and kids teased me about it.
By the time I was 15, Dad had gotten laid off from Great Lakes Mushroom. He was home all the time,collecting Un-employment. After Awhile, Un-employment ran out and he had to sell his stuff to my mother and her boyfriend. I didn't want to live with her, so I researched and found out that in the state of Michigan, I could legally apoint my own gaurdians, so I chose to live with my neighbor named Norm.
To be continued.....
Love,
~~~B~~~

Although I don't remember their names, the 1st foster home wasn't too bad. They had a child of their own (a teenager). My foster mother's sister also lived there and helped out with the children. There was only 1 room for all of us foster kids, but it was rather large, with 3 sets of bunkbeds and some dressers. Their daughter had her own room. She was blonde and was very nice to us kids! My foster father was an asshole. He was a police officer, but still an asshole none the less. I used to threaten to run away and he always used that fucking badge as a way to scare the hell outta me. I didn't stay long, but I remember them taking us to the park and playing frisbee. They made Chex Mix afterward, the first time I'd ever had this scrumptious treat (my obssesion with food started at an early age,,lol). I cried alot, I guess I still do. I mostly cried for my Dawny. I know I've said that before, but me and Dawn's bond is just un-explainable. Just know it's very strong, and it's not only a sister bond, but she was my 'mom' growing up and sacrificed herself for me and crystal, robert in a way that I couldn't even fathom, but am eternally grateful for and will spend the rest of my life showing her my gratitude.
I was removed from this foster home for several reasons, one they slapped me, 2-they refused to let me talk to family, often telling them I wasn't there or was busy. I guess I understand why they did it, but I caused a scene when they wouldn't let me talk to Dawn and I walked in on them telling her I wasn't there. That's when I got mouthy (imagine that..lol)and then they slapped me. The 3rd reason was I was able to go home.
It was a few days to a week before Christmas. I was so excited to pull up to that house. When I walked through the front door, Dawn practically knocked me down hugging me. She held me so tight around my neck, I felt like she was choking me..lol. I missed her soo bunches.
I had found out that Bobby was ordered by the judge to move and not come a certain feet from me. After awhile, Carol let him come by the house again. He used to think he was cool on his Harley, fucking smug prick!! Carol used to tell me to stay in the house when he came over, but she let the sick fuck take my other siblings for rides and stuff. Sometimes I view Carol as a Child Molester, because she kept giving him the opportunity. She shoulda divorced him the same day she caught him fondling her 6 year old., but she's just a worthless piece of shit just like her mother who let her friends rape carol and her siblings.
I had to change me story on Bobby numerous times due to Carol. She kept saying I was lying and that she couldn't love a liar (nice to tell your child, right?..fucking WHORE), so naturally I changed my story and said I had lied about him touching me, as I thought this would make Carol love me and be nice to me again. All I've ever wanted in my life, even now, was for 1 word from that woman on why she hates me so much and why she doesn't love me. What did *I* do to her for her to treat me this bad in my life? I'm sure she blames me for her and bobby's divorce years later(why not, she still blames Crystal for her and Rick-husband #7- divorce, even thought Crystal was sticking up for her when he beat the shit outta her..it's sad to say, but she prolly deserved it, fucking BITCH).
I finally went back to the TRUTH and told her Bobby did touch me, after that she hardly talked to me. If she did, it was hateful and rude.Once the Judge for word Bobby was still around, guess what? Once again I was put into foster care.
This home was fun and the lady was very nice, although at the time I hated the world and took it out on her. She had recently lost her son, and was still grieving. One day we got into an argument and she said she thought I was lying about being molested, so because I was so full of rage I told her that I didin't believe her son had died. I knew as soon as I said it, I was so wrong in doing so. She started to cry, eventually dissappearing into her sons room, later coming out with his death certificate as proof. I felt really bad and apologized, pointing out I*was* molested and I wouldn't have said what I'd had, if she didn't say what she did. We went to church every sunday, coming home to donuts and milk. We had a swing set in the backyard, there were 3 other kids there, 2 girls and a boy. I had such a hard time there, I even ran away to a friend's house but my foster mother found me. She had talked to my case worker, and I had a court date coming up, if I didn't get to go home, they were placing me elsewhere.
The day of the court date came. Carol was also there. I remember I couldn't go into the courtroom when they were talking to Carol, so I was asked to go sit on the bench just outside the courtroom doors. I was curious as to what was going on, and there was no one around, so I slightly opened the door so I could hear what was being said. What I heard still haunts me to this day. Carol was refusing to keep Bobby away from me, the Judge asked her to choose between her Husband and her Child and she chose Bobby!!! She was then advised that they were thinking of taking her other 3 kids away, so that's when she sent Dawn, Crystal,and Robert to live with a friend in Florida. She didn't care about me and she didn't even hesitate when the judge gave her the choice of me or him. This is where my hatred for her really started. I was her daughter, not just some shmuck off the street!! How could she do this to me? I've asked her that many times, and surprise,surprise she denies it, along with all the other bad stuff she's done to us kids that we'd confronted her about now that we're all adults. She still acts like she was the perfect mother. In my eyes, she isn't a mother, she never has been and never will be!! She should be court ordered to stay away from kids and animals for the rest of her worthless little life!!! I say animals, cause she just likes the idea of having an animal (no offense, but I think that's where Crystal gets it from). She used to drop off cats, kittens, dogs, and puppies down the road in Texas where there were nothing but woods. She would get me and Dawn a dog, then take it away 'cause she didn't want it anymore. She's gotten rid of her dog Savannah 'cause she didn't want her anymore, she killed her pet snake by letting it swim in fucking chlorine pool water, she ran over 1 dog and said it was an "accident", she gave me Alice that she had for almost 5 years because she didn't want her anymore she just wanted Sugar (alice's daughter), she 'gave away' Sugar's pups before they were ready to be weened (they were around 4 weeks old), she pawnd off her dogs on anyone who'll take them for awhile when she's tired of them being around, she gave Candy Cane away 'cause she didn't want her anymore, she doesn't give them there shots, doesn't worm them, and doesn't treat their fleas until they are so bad the dog gets sick and has to have their fur shaved. When we went to TN for our vacation, Sugar was still pregnant. They only had a little dog food left and she was asked to get more. Those dogs went almost 2 days before she bought them food, all the while with Sugar being pregnant. She mis-treated her iguana's and left the cage open on the deck, and out they went to explore the woods and come to their untimely death because she was so careless. This is why I say she shouldn't be allowed to ever have animals and I fell sorry for Sugar ( a miniature Sheltie) who is still in her possesion.
Anyways, I watched Carol leave the courthouse and not even care or bat an eyelash. I was so hurt. I was sreaming and crying. They had to take me to another room to calm down. I went to the window of the room, and it had a perfect view of the parking lot. I watched my 'mother' leave, which made me even more hurt. Even after all I'd heard and all she'd done, I still wanted to go home with her.After she left, me and my case worker left in her car. Not before opening the trunk and pulling out a Cabbage Patch Doll (hugely popular at the time)and giving it to me to help me feel better. I still have that damn doll..lmao!!! We went to the Child Protective Services office where we stayed most of the day until she could find a suitable place to put me. I guess no homes were available at the time, 'cause before I knew it we were pulling up to a place called Y.O.U. which stood for Youth Opportunties Unlimited. It was kind of like a shelter but better. It had 4 rooms, 5 bathrooms ( 1 in each room, and 1 in the attic). The 2 rooms in front were for the girls, the 2 in back for the boys. My favorite place was the attic. It was set up as a play room/livingroom. There was a pool table, table and chairs and a closet full of every game and puzzle you could imagine. This is also where we held Wed. church night, and our counseling sessions once a week. Once a year, they'd let the kids throw a party up there, inviting up to 5 people per person.I loved being there!! There was another small house on the propert where the Y.O.U. offices were. They took us everywhere, on walks, to the 'Y' to go swimming, to the zoo, the park, pic-nics, the whole sha-bang!! My school was just down the street, so I got to walk to school instead of being bused, which was awesome. It was my own private time to myself. We also had an arcade game there, a piano, a punching bag on the porch and plenty of yard space. There were 6 beds in my room and we each got to take turns listening to the radio at night. I used to be majorly into Country at the time, so I had to listen to it quietly, 'cause no-one else liked country..lol. They gave us Easter Baskets full of all kinds of stuff including nail polish and make-up, on Easter. We had a phone so we could talk to friends, and the staff was awesome. This place was a real treasure to me then. I don't know if it still exists today, but I hope so. I watched it help so many people and not just younger ones. There were people there that were 16,17. I will always treasure my memories of that place. Eventaully I had to leave. My case worker let me choose where I wanted to be. I went to this one group home that was nice, I had my own room, but I just had a bad feeling of it there. That's when they introduced me to Jim and Judy Holland. They were the group home's parents. The place was owned by Houston and called H.A.P. and stood for Houston Achievement Place. They had HUGE houses. Some were literally almost mansions!! I was placed in one just down the street from the Mayor of Houston. This house was BIG!! It had a sitting type living room, a big dining room, a t.v. room, a rec. room, a kitchen, 4 bedroom and 1 bath upstairs, and 2 rooms and 2 bathroom downstairs. One room downstairs was small and was used for our weekend 'den' mother so that the homes 'parents' had the weekend off. The other room was the homes 'parents'. The room was set up more as an apartment than anything. It had a bedroom and bathroom, a living area and another room off that, that was a kitchenette. They even had their own entrance via the deck in the back yard. We had a weekly 'outing budget' for activities on the weekend.Living with them was just like a dream come true. One summer we went on vacation for 2 weeks. 1 week we spent camping and the other was where I got to go to New Orleans. It was the best time I'd ever had up to that point in my life. New Orleans was magical, with break dancers, cafe's, little stores to explore everywhere, but the best was when we ate at a restaurant that actaully rotated very slowly. I was nervous, as this was obviously a high end restaurant which I had never experienced. The rotating room was a little much to get used to when you're young, and almost made me dizzy. I was experiencing something so wonderful and New Orleans will always have a special place in my heart. The people where amazing, almost mesmerizing, the feeling that city gives you cannot not be explained except to say it was an extraordinary place and summer!!
This is where Kathy Baird came in. She somehow found out where I was, and we set it up with HAP and CPS (child protective services) to go on weekend visits with them. Kathy was like a mother to me, helping me with my anger and tantrum issues, and giving me the love and support a real mother should!! After awhile, I got to go to her house for weekend overnighters which was fun!! They took me to many places even Fame City and Waterworld. They were both very active in my life. They wanted to adopt me and the only thing that stopped them, was my father, bless his heart!! Carol was ready to give me up just like that!! That's when they started to look at my Dad for a permanent home for me. It took them a long time to get him thouroughly checked out, and age 10, I was FINALLY back in my fathers arms!! To Be continued.....Thanks for reading!!!
Love,
~~~B~~~

I was 6 when me and Dawn had no choice but to go move to Texas, because Grandma died and Dad no-longer had a place for us to live. It killed my Dad inside to give his girls to a woman that is so evil. You have to understand that in a short amount of time, Dad lost his job, his car, his Mom, his home, and now his children. It was a very bleak period in his life and mine,too!! We arrived in Texas to a little red house on Pecan St. in Houston. I had to use the bathroom as soon as we got there and to my horror, there were cock roaches lying all over the bathroom floor. No, Mom wasn't dirty, she had the house sprayed for bugs while her and her new husband, Bobby Frankin Sarver, flew to Michigan to come get me and Dawn. Carol forced me to use the bathroom, even with the bugs all over the floor. A *real* mother would have used a damn broom and dustpan and swept that shit up, but she was laughing at me as I was hysterically crying. I didn't know any better as I'd never seen cock roaches before. Shit, I was 6 fucking years old for Christ's sake, but that's the kind of person and so called 'mother' she was and still is. Within a few days, things calmed down, or at least I thought, no one could have ever prepared me for what happened next. One night Dawn went somewhere for the night and it was just me, Carol, and Bobby. We were in their room, and it was a little chilly in the house so they had their bedroom heater on. It was built into the wall and had blue flames. I remember that well, as that's all I could look at when it happened. Carol went into the kitchen to make us sandwiches I think. I thought Bobby was just wrestling around with me until I eventually found myself being put underneath him while his huge adult body lay on top of my small child body. He started to kiss me and not in the way that is anywhere near appropiate with a child. Carol came back and didn't think anything of it. She just thought we were wrestling around, as she didn't see him kissing me 'that way'. Bobby got up, him and Carol continued to play Atari. I was so confused and felt so violated. I didn't know what to do. That was the first time of many. I don't recall everytime, I suppose I have blocked most of it outta my mind, for my sanity.
The next time I remember, was a saturday. Carol was working and left Bobby home to watch us. The way the house was set-up, there was the living room, a den off of that, and then there was the kitchen/dining room. Well the kitchen had a doorway to left and right of the living room. So there was 2 ways to get to the kitchen from the living room. Dawn was eating cereal and watching cartoons. Bobby called me into the kitchen, where he proceeded to pick me up. He raised and lowered me up and down the front of his body, all the while having an erect penis. It was so quitely done, Dawn never heard a word. I remember closing my eyes, hoping he would be done soon and I could be with my Dawny. It happened 2 more time in that house that I can remember, with the last one being caught by Carol. But, that wasn't the last time it happened, just the last in that house!! The next time was a little more graphic. It was just me and Bobby home alone. He asked me to come into his and carol's room. He then asked me to lay on the bed and he put a pillow over my face. He said he couldn't do what he wanted if I was looking at him. He then proceeded to take my panties off, and as I lay there, scared, waiting for someone to come home and save me, he proceeded to perform oral sex on me!! After he was done, he told me to never tell, because if I did, bad things would happen to my mother and Dawn! I know this is hard to read, especially for my little sister, but it's inportant for me to get this out. This blog is my therapy!!
The landlord of the house lived just next door, and much to my horror again, he too was a child molester. One night Carol left me and Dawn home alone while her and Bobby went to the bar. Yes, this stupid Bitch left a 6 and 8 year old home alone!! Me and Dawn climbed into Carol's bed. Dawn read and I kept hearing noises from the window behind us. I sneeked a peek and it was the landlord trying to tear the screen off and open the window to get to me and Dawn. Frightened to no end, I called the bar and told my mom. She came home and the landlord must've heard the truck, because he was gone before they hit the driveway (the house was on the end of the street and the street being connected to a major street). The landlord always 'flirted' with me and Dawn, the sick Bastard!!
The last time Bobby touched me in that house was again on a saturday morning. Dawn was still asleep I think. Carol was also still in bed. I woke up and went into the living room. Bobby was up, and in his chair. We had this wooden door with no handle that was for the hallway that connected to the bedrooms and bathroom. Bobby asked me to come stand in front of him, he started to kiss me, then eventually started to fondle my vaginal area. Carol came in and she must've looked through the hole where the handle on the door should've been before entering, because the next thing I know, she's in the living room with a shot gun to Bobby's head. I'm crying and now so is Dawn. She claims the only thing that stopped her from blowing his brains out was the fact that me and Dawn were standing so close to him. She said she didn't want me and Dawn to have to remember someone being shot in front of us for the rest of our lives. One of the few times the evil wench was actually human!!
So a normal mother would've packed her children and their shit and got the hell outta there, right? Not my mother!! All she made that mother fucker do was apologize to me and say he would never do it again!! What kind of sick Bitch does that? I was 6 damn years old, there should've been no question!!
Bobby didn't touch me again till a awhile later when we moved to Baytown,Texas. Carol took Dawn and toddler Crystal to the store to get a birthday present for one of our then cousins. Yes, the sick BITCH left me home alone with the same man who had previously violated me over and over!! He conned me into his and my mother's room, where again he started to fondle me and kiss me. I reminded him of the promise he made to me and my mother, but he kept going. He stopped just shy of getting caught by Carol again. I was too scared to say anything, as he was threatening me again. After awhile, we moved again. We finally settled into a house that we stayed at for awhile. Next door where awesome people. I don't remember the husband's name, but the wife was a sweet woman who would later try to adopt me. Her name was Kathy Baird. They were a younger couple with a son around my age. I played over there alot. I loved their house and loved the way it always smelled like cinnamon and apples. The husband played drums and they had the first t.v. I had seen with the wired remotes(before modern wireless remotes). Kathy was into Marilyn Monroe and he was into Star Wars and had the whole E-Wok village to play with in their room, it was freakin' awesome!! These people stuck with me long after Carol packed up Dawn, Robert and Crystal and moved to Florida, leaving me all alone in a state with no family.I'll get back to them later.
In this new house, it was close enough to ride my bike to school, which I really enjoyed. Me and Dawn riding down the street every morning to school, it was something that was just so cool at the time. Sometimes I walked to/from instead of riding my bike, that is when I made friends and they didn't have bikes to ride so I walked with them,too!! I was a very outgoing child, and easily made friends and had many, unlike today where I am so guarded that you practically have to jump through hoops to get me to let you into my heart!
I loved school, I loved my teacher and on this particular day, we had an assembly. Ironically, like it was a gift from God, the assembly was about people inappropiately touching you. After the end, the teacher asked just 1 simple question, "Had any of us been touched in that way?", I was the only child to raise their hand. I was asked to stay behind and was questioned. After, I was sent back to class. I was in the middle of doing one of my 'ditto' worksheets left for the substitute to give to us, when the door opened and this person started to whisper with the sub. and they were looking at me. I was then asked to go to the office with them where a school social worker was asking me questions. I went home that night and never said a word about what happened, but i guess they had called home and questioned Carol, because the next thing I know, she was telling me I didn't have to answer any of their questions anymore. The next day I went to school, and again was pulled outta class. I went to a couselors office where they were asking me questions. Well, even then I was a cocky bitch,lol, as I told them in a cocky tone and voice that "My Mom said I didn't have to answer *any* of their damn questions". They kept wanting me to go with this one social worker, but I had a bad feeling, so I ran outta there, wandering the halls. Eventally I had convinced myself to go to the office. There they had convinced me to go with this case worker. She said I'd be able to go back home, and I believed her. After awhile I realized, sitting there in the Child Protective Services office, I wasn't going home that day. I was mad and crying, but she took me to McDonald's for a Happy Meal (which at the time, was hugely popular) I calmed down for awhile, but then started crying even harder as we drove for awhile and approached a house, little to my knowledge, was my 1st foster home!! All I could think about was Dawn and how much I missed her and wanted her with me. ........to be continued tomorrow....thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~

Lying in bed thinking last night. I've come to the conclusion that that my faults are a curse as well as a blessing.If I hadn't been so hurt in my life, I wouldn't be so cautious.If I wasn't opinionated, people would run right over me. I used to think that I was so much different than other people and I'm finding that I'm no different than the average woman. I'm finding myself thinking differently, finding myself second guessing my responses and tones in what I say to people...that's it...I'm "finding myself". I re-did my resume and found out that I have done more things in my life than I'd thought and I'm not as selfish as what I'd believed. You know ya hear so many times you're a certain way and pretty soon you believe it too. For years I used to think I was this selfish, self-centered, vindictive, hateful person because my 'Egg Donor' would always tell me that and so would my younger sister. I'm not trying to start anything, and if anyone takes offense to what I say, well then FUCK them. I've come up with an idea to maybe start posting my life from the beginning from what I remember. My life has definitly had some interesting turns and twists and who knows, maybe someone reading this (since I have many, some I know and some are strangers who find my blog interesting I suppose)will know that they too are normal and to know they're not the only ones that have gone through some shit in their lives.Some of this stuff might make you cry and will be very honest and graphic, some people are deceased some are unfortunately still alive, I might skip around to other things first, but you'll hear my whole story, good and bad in hope people can understand me better and why I am the way I am. I know some of the things that I post are gonna infuriate my little sister, but she'll get over it and know that I'm not posting any of this to hurt people or make them mad, I just feel I need to do this. I won't apologize for any of it, becuase like I said..This Is My Life and I'm Finding Myself through all the horrible things ever said and done to me, I'm not looking for sympathy or for any one to feel sorry for me..I'm Just Finding Myself!!....
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I've been abondoned, abused, molested and ridiculed. That was just the first 6 years of my life!!!
Daddy used to tell me Mom had legs that never ended, and how beautiful she used to be. He saw a side of her that me and Dawn wished we'd seen!!Carol never really wanted me(as she's told me many times through out my life but when asked, she of course denies it). I used to be so jelous of Dawn growing up, 'cause Carol treated me like shit, and Dawn like gold! She read to Dawn as a child, but never me. She played with Dawn, and left me in my crib. I was her last attempt at holding on to a hopeless marriage that she helped destroy. I've never bonded with that woman and hopefully never will. She used to tell me the horror stories of my maternal grandmother and what she did and let be done to my mother, uncles, and aunts. She also used to say she would never do those type of things to her kids and she has. She's alienated at least 3 of her children. The other seems to think she was the first born, that there wasn't 2 other children before her. I'm not sure why Carol favors her, she's no better than the rest of us (no matter who she tries to lie to and convince). Some people say it could be because my mother sees her ex-husband in her and I'm not so sure that that is a good thing, especially considering what her father has done to me, dawn, her and Robert. My father is a saint compared to hers. I'm not trying to hurt either Crystal nor Robert. I know what their father did wasn't their fault, but it has forever changed my life and is partly the reason of my insecurities and anger.(I say partly, 'cause Carol is in no way innocent and definitly contributed to the other part).I take full responsibitly for my actions as an adult, but I was just a child.
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Grandma Spittler died in the early 80's, but I can still smell the smell of her (roses and oil-of-olay). I can still smell the kitchen with it's old white metal cabinets and rickety table. It smelled of coffee and sugar cookies.I was too young to remember too much of her, but I feel her presence wrapping around me in my hour of need.She was beautiful and one of those rare woman than come around once in a lifetime.She raised 6 children, 4 boys and 2 girls, with the youngest being born in 1942 and that would be my Dad. She was a wife, a mother, a homemaker and the sweetest woman alive!!Her life was lived for her children and regrettably she died when me and Dawn were so young.She raised her children well, and all have been successful in their lives.
Dad said Grandma and Grandpa Spittler bought their house out of a Sears catalog way back in the day. This house is still beautiful and standing and if I had the money to buy it back I would. Grandma put it in her will for the house to be sold when she died so no one would fight over it and so that not just 1 person was solely responsible for the taxes and upkeep.
The house was 2 bdrms downstairs and 2 upstairs with a full basement, a nice size living room and dining room, but a small kitchen. Grandma used to grow apples, grapes, peaches, pears and I think something else, but I can't quite remember. I have many fond memories of that house and wished it was still in the family so we'd have something that pulls us all together for the holidays.Growing up the family was so close, but after Grandma died, eventually everyone went their seperate ways. Uncle Phil and Aunt Clair live in Alabama, Uncle Donnie and Aunt Betty in Arizona, Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie way up in northern Michigan, several cousins in California, Aunt Peggy and Uncle Don passed away, Shelly and Jim (my cousins)in Rochester Hills, Paul and his wife in Sterling Heights, Aunt MaryAnn in Roseville, Denise in Florida, Emily in Ohio, Dawn in TN, me here and my Dad in Centerline.When we went to Detroit for Christmas, not everyone could be there, but I was able to talk to my Aunts and Uncles (except Uncle Greg and Aunt Ellie who were at Shelly and Jim's and I guess couldn't get cell reception). I have a cousin in Cali. that has a Bentley and the whole shabang. I'm not bragging,rather I am so prous of my families success in life and hope that one day it rubs off on me, and to prove I come from a successful stock and not from the white- trash-drug-addicted-hateful- backstabbing-in/outta jail stock on my mother's side. Not one of them have made anything outta their lives!!I gotta give *my* Uncle Tim credit, he served his country proudly in the Marines, but he's an alcoholic and a wife beater. My step-Grandmother worked at Child Protective Services, but ate shit from my Grandfather for years including his physical and mental abuse and his "Women-Should-Be-Seen-And-Not-Heard" attitude and philosophy(and who stopped talking to me and Dawn in the early 90's because God forbid we had an opinion on who should be the next president).I used to idiolize my Aunt Terri, but she too has become 'one of them'.They're all big time into drugs, always in-outta jail and always arguing with one another. They all treat their children like shit and are always calling their kids 'Bitches' and/or 'Bastards'. One of my Aunts used to fuck the mayor of Detroit and that's how she got away with running her own brothel. They turn on each other, calling the cops on one another, have them thrown in jail, make up lies and spread them like wild fire. It's like their whole existance thrives on hate and discontent.Not one of them have a successful career or anything beyond shit jobs(I know I have no room to talk, but at least I ackowledge my faults and are making them my virtues, I'm no where in the same league as being as fucked up as that family is, seriously!!)
More in my next post. Thanks for reading!!
Love,
~~~B~~~